L.A. Affairs: I invited an ex-boyfriend to my improv show. It did not go well

After not speaking to maine for 4 years, my ex-boyfriend Adam texts maine that he’s successful municipality and asks to get lunch. Before I deliberation astir however severely this idiosyncratic mistreated maine during our 2½-year relationship, the harm helium caused to my assurance and self-worth, I’m typing the connection “Canter’s.”

Then I substance a gag astir paper items, and helium responds, “You’ve upped your comic game.” And the whiplash of this incredibly blatant idiosyncratic is abruptly backmost successful my life.

When we were dating backmost successful Chicago, helium ne'er came to my drama shows and hardly adjacent acknowledged that I did comedy, which sent the connection that helium didn’t deliberation I was funny. (And wow, however generous is helium to accidental that I’m kind of comic now! ) But this is the caller maine 4 years later, and I’m not going to fto his remark wounded my feelings.

I’m confident. I’m successful charge. So I substance him back: “Everything’s been upped.”

I conscionable him astatine Canter’s connected Fairfax Avenue, a spot excessively axenic for this rendezvous, and americium amazed by his appearance. He looks 20 years older than helium did 4 years ago. In my head, I’m thinking, “This makes sense. The ugliness wrong him has deteriorated his carnal body.” It whitethorn not beryllium a large motion that I deliberation this idiosyncratic is truthful disfigured connected the wrong that it’s rotting his outside. And yet determination I was.

Table for two, please! I beryllium crossed from him and announcement the twinkle successful his oculus is gone. It’s that twinkle that got maine into this messiness successful the archetypal place. He would look astatine me, and I would beryllium truthful taken by his fun, mischievous unpredictability. I’m relieved the twinkle is gone, truthful I tin stay successful control! I’m besides relieved due to the fact that possibly that means he’s present connected immoderate medication.

During our relationship, helium had aggravated temper swings but ne'er sought attraction different than copious amounts of Miller High Life, which — get this — made things worse. He would go a terror. Sometimes helium would unreal to beryllium a baby, similar a literal baby, talking similar one, acting helpless, rolling astir connected the floor. Other times, he’d relish saying mean things oregon picking fights. His buddies adjacent had a nickname for him erstwhile helium turned evil: Bad Adam.

Sitting crossed from him astatine Canter’s, I besides announcement helium appears to beryllium a spot cross-eyed, which I find ironic due to the fact that I ever thought helium had a wandering eye. I’m serious: He would perpetually flirt with different women portion we were dating, perpetually comparison maine with his exes. One clip helium implied that I wasn’t arsenic astute arsenic his ex due to the fact that I “didn’t work arsenic galore books.”

I’ll ne'er hide the clip I heard him talk to a pistillate person connected the telephone successful a mode I’d ne'er been spoken to earlier — truthful sweet. To me, helium was dismissive. Every clip helium sneezed, I would say, “Bless you,” and helium wouldn’t respond. I thought, “Maybe helium doesn’t cognize that’s the modular exchange?” Then 1 time, helium sneezed, and my relative said, “Bless you.” And helium said, “Thank you.” I couldn’t judge it. This full clip — each sneeze — helium had been ignoring me.

I archer him I unrecorded unsocial (I had precocious ended a semipermanent relationship), and helium precise evidently lights up. That’s erstwhile I judge that this luncheon mightiness beryllium much than conscionable a catch-up. He past acknowledges helium wasn’t the champion fellow and that helium feared helium “ruined men” for me.

I privation to say, “The lone happening you ruined for maine was you!” But I don’t due to the fact that present he’s tearing up. The lone different clip I’ve seen him outcry was erstwhile helium broke up with maine (the archetypal time) due to the fact that I “didn’t get huffy astatine him enough.”

We extremity up splitting the check. I archer him I’m pursuing drama present successful L.A., and helium asks if I person immoderate shows happening portion he’s successful town. I really bash person an improv amusement astatine Upright Citizens Brigade, but it’s a immense gamble to invitation him to it. It’s improv and I’m caller to it. But possibly I tin yet amusement him what I’m susceptible of. I invitation him!

The improv amusement has a unsmooth start. It’s Memorial Day, truthful we manus retired candy astatine the opening of the amusement for immoderate godforsaken reason, and past we can’t perceive what anyone is saying onstage due to the fact that the candy being unwrapped is truthful loud. Finally, the sound dies down, and I fastener in. I archer my country partner, “You ne'er gave maine a azygous compliment!” This is thing I privation Adam to hear, of course.

I’m not brave capable to accidental it to his face, truthful I’ll accidental it successful a make-believe breakup scene. “You ne'er adjacent told maine you loved me!” I boldly accidental arsenic I waddle due to the fact that I’m besides playing a penguin. The laughter is tepid astatine best.

After the show, my improv teammates and I caput to a bar, and I invitation Adam. He agrees to articulation but acts similar helium doesn’t privation to beryllium there. Once again, I consciousness similar I’m not bully enough. Old maine would person internalized this, but four-years-later maine is annoyed. I’m really amazed astatine however rude he’s behaving, however overtly he’s ignoring my friends. He makes a telephone call, and I perceive him say, “I’m determination I don’t privation to be.”

We basal successful awkward soundlessness astatine Birds connected Franklin Avenue, and I’m truly kicking myself for this full escapade. Why did I hold to lunch? To amusement him however good I’m doing? Maybe I thought he’d beryllium a amended mentation of himself, and we could commencement thing anew? But he’s really a worse version. Or I’m conscionable seeing him much clearly. What I truly privation is for him to halt having immoderate powerfulness implicit me. I privation to beryllium escaped of him. And past helium turns to maine and says, “Will you wed me?”

And I say, “What?”

It’s the astir absurd happening I’ve ever heard. And past helium repeats himself, “Will you wed me.”

“No,” I say, my disbelief apparent. He’s quiet, past helium turns astir and heads for the door. Then helium throws his arms into the aerial and shouts, “I’m freeee!” Like however a kid mightiness accidental “Wheeee!” portion being pushed astir successful a buying cart.

Did I conscionable merchandise him from a curse? Wait, does helium really deliberation he was the cursed 1 here? I consciousness arsenic though I’ve been the 1 trapped successful this hell, trying to impressment this feline for 7 years. I ever got truthful small from him and assumed determination was ever a accidental to get more. More attention, much validation, much love.

That’s wherefore I got luncheon with him. It was a accidental for more. But this haphazard proposal, with nary ring, nary reason, astatine a random bar? And past helium doesn’t get the effect helium wants and runs retired flailing, similar a toad that yet got turned backmost into a man? I’m the 1 who’s been acceptable escaped present that it’s abundantly clear: There is nary more.

The writer is simply a stand-up comedian, writer and filmmaker successful Los Angeles. She’s connected Instagram astatine @alexajloftus and connected TikTok astatine @alexajloftus.

L.A. Affairs chronicles the hunt for romanticist emotion successful each its glorious expressions successful the L.A. area, and we privation to perceive your existent story. We wage $400 for a published essay. Email [email protected]. You tin find submission guidelines here. You tin find past columns here.