Alt-Jesus retelling 'The Carpenter's Son' is worse than blasphemous — it's boring

What would Jesus bash if his aboriginal years were told arsenic an unremarkable fearfulness film?

It would astir apt beryllium different accidental to forgive, on with the precise casual enactment of forgetting “The Carpenter’s Son,” a dingy alt-biblical slog that doesn’t adjacent person the kitschy consciousness to usage Nicolas Cage decently arsenic a paranoid Joseph who isn’t definite if his kid comes from the bully spot oregon the atrocious one.

Writer-director Lotfy Nathan’s inspiration is an apocryphal 2nd period substance called the Infancy Gospel of Thomas, which purports to picture the incident-filled puerility of a temperamental Jesus. It’s ne'er been wide accepted Christian canon, but there’s nary crushed wherefore what isn’t beatified scripture couldn’t beryllium a holy-moly script. In the Egyptian-American filmmaker’s retelling, a mixed-up lad (Noah Jupe) moving from persecution with his devout dad, the Carpenter (Cage), and ethereal parent (a blank-faced FKA Twigs) is simply a superhero successful waiting, with a bloody gauntlet of nightmares to get done first.

One of those is surviving his ain birth, presented present successful a series of torchlit, squishy labour that’s acold from the twinkly manger of Christmas-diorama harmony. Onscreen, the substance reads “Anno Domini,” successful lawsuit it’s not wide whose umbilical cord is getting cut. “They’re coming for him,” his papa intones. Mom’s anguished childbirth moaning segues to those of young women adjacent having their babies ripped from their arms and thrown into a bonfire. Barely escaping the scrutiny of the king’s killers, this caller household escapes.

A clip displacement takes america to erstwhile the lad is 15 (not to notation sullen, bored-looking and wracked by convulsive visions of crucifixion). Our trio lands successful a distant colony that affords them the accidental astatine a elemental life, albeit nether the Carpenter’s strict precautions against evil spirits: boarded windows, tons of praying, staying cleanable and making definite the lad sticks to his schooling. Attractive mute miss Lilith (Souheila Yacoub) draws the lad’s peeping gaze. But past there’s the young androgynous fig with mysterious scars (Isla Johnston), who seems intent connected giving the caller kid lessons successful rule-breaking, not to notation cynical guidance astir his destiny.

“You cognize who I am, but who are you?” this coaxing alien offers, which is similar a playground retort twisted to dependable pseudo-philosophical. Nathan, via his thoroughly pedestrian directorial style, ne'er precisely masks who it is anyway. But it definite makes for monotonous viewing. Meanwhile, the petulant Jesus starts feeling his powers and is abruptly called a savior by some, a malevolent sorcerer by others. Mostly, he’s 1 much uninteresting movie juvenile.

With its level determination visuals, B-movie gore (snakes pulled from mouths) and colorless score, “The Carpenter’s Son” is the uninspired root communicative you ne'er prayed for. But it truly feels similar a wasted accidental erstwhile Cage is onscreen, sporting what appears to beryllium a middle-aged man’s effort astatine a Rachel haircut, saddled with boring dialog astir religion and fearfulness and mostly behaving similar a reformed maniac nether sedation.

“The Carpenter’s Son” wants to premix it up with an invented (and what immoderate mightiness telephone blasphemous) communicative astir that clip Satan astir seduced brooding teenage Jesus. But not letting Cage spell biblical? That’s immoderate benignant of misdeed against cinema.